Day 21

<- Sunday's Food Log

Yesterday wore me out, but if it hadn't been so hot today I would be up to doing more. I was out early to walk with Kaylee and water the garden. Then after breakfast caught up the kitchen. But just watched TV and played on the computer most of the afternoon with the house closed up and the A\C running. More bored than anything else, I inhaled the french fries my honey had not eaten from his fast food lunch; why did I do that?

It was a relief to get out of the house when my daughter called asking if I could go watch the baby while they ran an errand; I had just wolfed down two tomato sandwiches using the left over hamburger buns from earlier in the week - I haven't binged like that in longer than I can remember. (Of course I haven't brought a whole package of buns into the house in probably a year either, WTH?) But that diversion, as wonderful as it always is to see the baby, wasn't even a safe escape from myself; while the baby napped I found some more carbs to snack on - what the heck was going on today? I haven't riffled through a cupboard looking for food in a really long time; I'm just some sort of animal today.

And then I still wanted to eat once I was home and it was after 8pm. I just don't eat compulsively at night anymore like that, and I feel like I am a different person today, someone I thought I had said goodbye to; someone I didn't ever want to see again. I ate more refined carbs today than I normally do in months, I am just disgusted and don't even want to get on the scale tomorrow. I spent the last year striving to eat for nutrition and today was if all those months hadn't existed at all. My carefully developed inner peace had somehow been shattered and I realized late in the day that my 'mad at the universe' mentality had crept back in. How did I let that happen? Have I let this 'month trial' that I am on change me? I leave for bed more depressed than I've been in a long time. I know I will feel differently in the morning, and find a way to put a positive slant on everything - that's what I do, play the Pollyanna game - but tonight I just feel like I am failing all over again.