Self Sabotage

Anyone, or most anyone, who has ever 'tried to lose weight' knows what self sabotage means. It's the dirty little reality I deal with all the time, the small but darkly potent part of my self that is afraid to succeed. It's the 2nd in command who issues orders to pull into 7-11 for a bag of Cheetos, or to drive through for some french fries. There are lots of times I can think ahead to how this will make me feel and put the kibash on whatever tiny dark thought has assailed me, but sometimes I mentally throw in the towel and obey orders. The reality is that there is a power to giving in, to surrendering to the impulse and feed the destructive force that has begun to rage. A big huge power surge comes with thinking "what the heck" and then sure to follow that thought are the ones that justify my actions. The self pity, the falsehood that this one indulgence won't matter; in other words, the lies.

I have spent a lot of time reading and listening to the words of others that stress the importance of accepting each moment as the most important one. That the only thing we have here on earth are our feelings and that each one does matter, and that it is up to us to make sure that they are good feelings. Truly that is at the crux of the idea, 'creating heaven or hell on earth'. I believe that it is true what I hear, that if we can't control our thoughts, well then, what can we control? And so I waste energy being mad at myself because I can't seem to 'master my compulsions'? Talk about a negative circle, yuck. How and why this happens is a whole different dissertation, just now I am focused on the act itself and how I am going to work harder this month to fight the good fight and make better decisions.

All of this is being said of course directly after eating a luscious big salad that would have been wonderfully healthy if I hadn't thrown in a big spoonful of vegenaise at the end because it wasn't rich enough. I think it was actually the salt I was craving, and it would have been better to have thrown in some diced cilantro or even a little kosher sea salt. But no, I take the comfort route of adding salt AND fat. I want to blame it on the cauliflower - dipping raw cauliflower into mayonnaise was a favorite growing up and there was lots of it diced up in the salad. But I can't blame a vegetable, it was all me.

Yes I sprinkled on my Cheat, and yes there were lots of micro nutrients in the salad. So why am I upset with myself? Because Cheat is a tool, not an excuse to slip back into bad eating habits. I had a conversation with a friend recently and found myself saying, "I wish I had kept track of how many calories I wasted on potato chips this past month." I know we are not suppose to 'diet', but really, a little self control would be nice. Which brings me back to the point, mastering my compulsions. Just because I have these great tools to use, doesn't mean I can go hog wild eating crap. So for the rest of September I am going to keep eating healthy, say no more often to the dark side, and use the Core4 eating program as a set of healthy tools instead of as saviors from bad decisions.